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Sunday, February 21, 2010
BOLD AND BRAVE BAALEI TESHUVA. By Hindy Lieberman Baalei teshuva often have certain needs
that frum from birth people don't share. Integral to their journey, is the desire for consistent spiritual and
emotional support through each stage of their development. They seek to find people and places where they feel
comfortable in their quest. Many benefit from connecting with a group of peers going through the same process
as they are - via an organization or informally. Others have a more quiet style, searching on their own or perhaps
with one or two people. It is equally important for them to form connections with Jews who are more advanced in
their Judaism, and more settled in their Yiddishkeit, both in terms of their families and the community. These
connections can blossom into special role models and close friendships. The life coach and the ba'alas teshuvah
client can brainstorm together to come up with creative ideas to meet the need for these special types of connection.
When partnering with an Orthodox Jewish life coach, some of these needs are automatically met through the sessions themselves.
A ba'alas teshuva who is a single woman will often have different needs than
one who is married. For example, it may be harder for the single woman to make daily decisions about how to keep
halachah, which rulings or rav to follow, etc. (In contrast, a married woman often has the extra support to fall back
on from her husband's relationship with their rav regarding many daily questions that come up.) Baruch Hashem,
many single women develop wonderful extensive networks, including rabbonim and rebbetzins whom they are close to and can count
on. Sometimes decisions may still be difficult; even more so for the single woman who has not yet developed these
connections.
It can be extremely helpful for a single (or married) woman to have someone
to talk to before she even asks a halachic question to a rav. Many times, knowing the type of question to ask or how
to think about the issue before asking the question will help clarify the issue in the woman's mind, so she can feel more
confident when speaking to a rav. An Orthodox Jewish life coach for women can help greatly in this area of much
needed support.
Along with a decision to become Orthodox,
there are links with the past that must be reconciled. Each woman is on a personal journey, going forward to an elevated,
more holy, and more perfect life. Each woman will find her own struggles along the way as she leaves parts of
her past and begins to integrate into her new lifestyle. These may involve family, friends, work, dating, how
she speaks and dresses, what types of entertainment she partakes of, etc.
Every woman will experience unique stages of grappling, sometimes more painful
than others. Some women will glide along more easily while taking on new challenges, while others wage a strong
war of struggle and transformation. One ba'alas teshuvah described herself as feeling like she was walking along
a bridge. When she reached the middle of the bridge, she wasn't sure if she could make it to the other side.
She felt emotionally pulled backwards and forwards at the same time. This type of phenomenon is very common to
ba'alei teshuvah. With agreed upon goals, and coaching sessions to clarify her needs as well as learn to be gentle
on herself, she was able to slowly make small changes and continue forward.
Learning and prayer are important issues for most. Some questions
women ask themselves are, "What books/sefarim should I be learning? Am I praying the right way, and how does prayer
work? What kind of close connection is possible with Hashem? How do I develop that connection?"
The life coach can give important feedback
on these questions, as well as have the client come to her own realizations through the avenues of self discovery that work
best for her. These might be through questioning or challenges/assignments for reading, researching, journaling,
or speaking to others. Speaking to a life coach who is a woman and well integrated into being Jewish and Orthodox
can serve as a safe place to explore, discover, and question; it can take away the "sting" of feeling "silly" or "ashamed"
to ask questions of others.
Having a life coach while growing as an Orthodox Jewish woman serves as a
wonderful place to sort it all out, and gain support to move ahead. A place to sew together all the pieces of
one's past and current tapestry. The coach and client will engage in self-discovery communication, using the coach's
highly trained skills, with the sole focus being on the client's agenda.
The coach might give various (agreed upon) assignments such as calling rabbonim
in the neighborhood, sitting in on different shiurim, or even a challenge to take on new mitzvos, perhaps according to a schedule
mutually agreed upon. The accountability with a trusted coach helps one go much furthur than they would
on their own, while feeling secure in the knowledge of being supported and cared about. With the right amount
of support and encouragement, a person can do just about anything.
Friday, February 19, 2010
ANGER, PATIENCE, AND LIFE COACHING. By Hindy Lieberman "All my life I've had these outbursts of anger. I've tried therapy but it didn't help. I'm a
practical person, and I know what's wrong, I just don't know how to fix it."
Debbie was married with three children and just moved to a new neighborhood. Finances were tight,
and one of her children was having trouble making friends in school. All this added to an already troubled marriage,
and as Debbie put it, her constant battle with angry outbursts.
The coach asked Debbie what she thought she needed to look at. Debbie said she'd first like
to explore why she gets angry. We talked about wanting to be in control, thinking you are right, wanting things done
her way, wanting respect, and more.
Debbie needed to understand much more clearly how her behavior was affecting others in her life. She
knew it, but didn't really see it. That is, she didn't really know what she was doing wrong. She knew she shouldn't
be getting angry and it was ruining her relationships with family and Hashem and so she wanted to change it. What she really didn't see was that when she got angry, she was not seeing the other person
as a worthy human being with feelings. The life coach was able to point this out to her, and through a series of sessions
help her internalize this, and begin to change her thought patterns. She also began to look at her husband's reasons
for acting the way he does, which helped her understand why he chose certain responses and behaviors. This lessened
her accusatory approach and opened her to a more giving posture. Debbie commented that she gained more in eight sessions
of life coaching than she did in years of therapy.
Yaffa had five children at home and always dreamed of being an eishes chayil. She was in school full
time, and as a result spent a great deal of time outside the home. She wanted to be more organized and more patient.
She thought that if she organized her time and her home better, she would have more patience for her children and her husband.
We spent time on organization, with Yaffa leading, as to the type of organization that works best for her. She
met her challenge in one session.
But the issues of patience kept coming up. Together we saw that Yaffa didn't have patience for herself.
And that the qualities she wanted her children to demonstrate towards her, i.e. patience and proper behavior, would first
have to be internalized in her own behavior towards others. As a mother, she learned that she needed to be a role
model for the qualities she wanted her children to demonstrate towards her.
We spoke about how having compassion for others engenders an ability to be patient with them.
Yaffa understood the value of compassion, as she was a very caring, selfless mother. She commented that she understood compassion for the elderly, the poor, and children and friends; but for herself
she never thought of it. Together we saw how one can foster the deepest kinds of compassion for others, only by
first having compassion for oneself. This also became a springboard for work that she needed to do in her relationship
with her husband. Yaffa said that she never realized how valuable coaching could be for her, and that just by
allowing her to have a sounding board to figure out her feelings and thoughts, together with the coach's special skills, she
gained so much.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
HOW DOES A LIFE COACH WORK WITH A WRITER? By Hindy Lieberman Suri called on the phone and said she wanted
to write a book and was looking for a coach to help her. Married just a few years, with two children, she wanted to
write about a painful experience involving one of her children so others would benefit.
Full of fire, with a charming personality, she was easy to work with.
The client always sets the pace of the session and the coaching in general. Suri wanted to start off with an outline
for the chapters of her book, so we brainstormed about that. There was discussion back and forth, where the coach helped
her find her own answers (as well as giving feedback and new ideas) to help decide what she wanted to include.
Over the ensuing weeks, the chapter titles changed. And as the book
progressed, some chapters melded into others, and some disappeared. There was also discussion as to why she wanted to
include certain passages. Through the give-and-take of coaching, she gained more clarity as to her motives and
understood how to focus her thoughts, and where to keep them in the book.
Every week, we agreed on a certain amount of work that would be done.
Each week it differed. Along with the coaching on writing, we also did some personal coaching on how to deal with some of
her lingering painful feelings from the episode she was recounting.
Within the chapters themselves we would
brainstorm essential ingredients; and Suri liked to work by outlining the main ideas. We agreed on having a certain
number of ideas per chapter. Some she did on her own and others she benefited from talking about with her coach.
As each chapter was written, Suri would send me the rough draft before our
session, and, with her permission, I would give her my feedback. I would bring up questions and things that didn't seem
clear, comment on parts I really liked, and give her food for thought about how to expand a chapter, thought, etc.
The effective collaboration was built upon previous sessions.
Hadassah also had a book to write. It was something she'd wanted to
write for 10 years, but she couldn't get herself moving on any steady basis. In our very first session, Hadassah
committed to a writing schedule and has been writing wonderfully, and flourishing phenomenally, ever since. She has
also taken steps to put together a preliminary manuscript to send out for evaluation.
Karen also had some books on her back burner that she never got on paper.
These were delightfully detailed and creative stories she used to tell to her younger siblings while growing up.
Working with her coach, she began to put them on paper. Karen needed to see where her writing skills had to be
developed and how her story could be told in a way that was meaningful to her audience. Through her partnership in life
coaching, she began to develop her stories and grow as a writer.
Writers work well with coaches over the
phone, since there is a lot of detail work on both ends. In-person meetings can be helpful, as well.
If you are seeking to ignite your writing fire, you might just catch a big spark with a life coach.
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